Every morning I wake
with misery as my company
it’s a rude awakening
I cannot forsake.
It drags me out of my slumber escape
It pours me my coffee
although I am still not awake.
I feel trapped inside a raw body
that was never meant to be
but I put on a brave face
so nobody can see the real me.
I hide behind my smiles
and the jokes that I make
but every time I laugh,
a piece of me it takes.
My broken brain belittles me,
it is not fooled by my charm
it knows my own self destruction
it praises my self harm.
I brush my teeth
I put on my clothes
then hide my scars in the mirror before anybody knows
the deep and dark suffering
I live with every day
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy
to feel such overwhelming pain this way.
Even when I try my best
and do what “normal” people do,
there’s nothing in this world
that can truly pull me through.
It’s like my pain and my darkness
have become one with me
but I have become so good at hiding it
even I sometimes forget the suffering in me.
I am broken, I am scarred
I am so imperfect in my anger
that I hold onto it so much
I even lash out at strangers
even the people closest to me,
they try so hard to understand
but they underestimate my misery
and how its company holds my hand.
I feel like such a failure
a resentful fire burns in my soul
my emotions are my enemy
and they are something I cant control.
To feel so alone and so misunderstood
it creates an emptiness in your heart and soul
whilst you brain fights the evil with good.
See I’m not a perfect person,
I admit my wrongdoings,
attempt to repent my sins,
but when I was born it was too late;
the trauma had already began.
I cant blame everyone for my flaws
not all the time at least,
because underneath this masquerade
is Beauty and the Beast.
Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde,
they live in complicated harmony
battle with themselves
and fight others constantly
pushing people away
even the ones that mean the most
they never gave up on their dreams for me
even when my body was playing host.
I wake up most days
not sure of who I am,
I don’t think I’ve ever known,
I could never understand.
So you see its hard for me to open up,
to explain my own fucking mind,
when it feels like a long time ago
I left a part of me behind.
To never feel like you belong
you believe your own head
when it says to you you’re worthless
and that you’re better off dead
trust me I have fucking tried,
but for some unknown reason
I sit here still alive.
Even after every bad thing
that has happened to me
I believe everything happens for a reason –
maybe my life is just meant to be.