Big girls (do)n’t cry

So today I had one of my one to one therapy sessions that I usually have once a week. We always start off with some mindfulness which, if you haven’t tried it, is pretty damn amazing. It usually helps to calm me but for today some reason I just couldn’t focus and my mind kept wondering off. It wasn’t until my therapist asked me “how have things been” that I realised why I couldn’t focus; as soon as he said this I just burst into tears. I sobbed, quite hard. I realised I had been bottling these tears up for some time and hadn’t let myself cry or let anything out for the sheer fact I was embarrassed to. I was afraid of being judged, of judging myself but mostly I think I was afraid of opening “Pandora’s box”. I know for a fact that once I start, I can rarely stop. And that’s with basically anything I do – eat, take drugs, exercise, drink alcohol…. you name it. But that isn’t my main focus here – it’s the fact that I was ashamed to cry. To express my feelings and emotions and to let my guard down.

Ironically, I grew up surrounded by emotionally unstable people, telling me that I was “too sensitive” and I needed to toughen up. So it’s no wonder that now, as a 28 year old woman, I struggle with showing my deepest emotions and my sensitive side. I try to hide it and lock it away, allowing it to build up and subsequently blow out of proportion. I was told in not so many words that it was “bad” to cry and “wrong” to show people what you were feeling or thinking. But as I’ve grown older I know that this isn’t entirely the case. I was just never around acceptance enough when I was younger. Rewiring my brain to think otherwise? It’s virtually impossible.

What I am trying to say is that it’s good to have a cry sometimes and let stuff out. Even if it really fucking hurts. We shouldn’t listen to other people telling us how to be, think or feel. We are who we are and we should be fucking proud of that.

So next time you feel yourself welling up, just let it all out. Take a deep breath, have a cuppa, and move on. It’s important not to carry these emotions with you; it’s only you who can feel all of that pain.

Stay blessed x

 

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