I say fuck the lemons, just give me the tequila! (totally irrelevant and ironic)
It’s safe to say this year for me so far has not been the greatest… Let me break it down for you…
- I ended up in hospital after drinking a litre bottle of Famous Grouse and attempting suicide for the 4th? time.
- I was then admitted into a psych ward (a Spanish one I might add) for 48 hours due to the continued self deprecating suicidal thoughts… (Stay tuned for a special blog on this one)
- My boyfriend then broke up with me and fucked off back to Manchester the selfish little prick, so yes, another relationship bites the fucking dust… yes it was a “new” relationship but one I had yet again invested myself in all the same.
- I had to start therapy again, and after a good year or so without it, anyone who has been there will know it feels like taking ten steps back and it fucking sucks.
- I lost a couple of clients with my little “cleaning business” but then I guess I did gain a couple too, so maybe this one doesn’t count?
- I was also in the process of trying to find a housemate to share with me where I currently live so I didn’t have to stress too much about the cost of rent and bills all by myself… I found someone, a great guy actually, who unfortunately pulled out last minute as he got onto a personal training course back in the UK. Something which I SELFLESSLY told him to pursue but as it transpires, it’s s course you can basically do from anywhere in the world (anyway, minor details)… regardless… you wanna know how I know you can do it from anywhere in the world? I did my own research for my own benefit because it is something I have always been interested in . Going to the gym really helped me overcome addiction and gave me coping mechanisms that helped with my depression and anxiety.
Anyway, Long story short…. I am a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason.
Why did I meet this guy, this “potential housemate”? Why did he talk about personal training etc that INSPIRED me to push myself and pursue my own fucking dreams of becoming a personal trainer myself?
Firstly I wouldn’t have met him had I not been in Spain, not looking for a housemate and almost certainly if I had still been with my boyfriend.
At the time the pain of another heartache was all too much to bear but now, in hindsight and what a beautiful thing it is, has showed me that it ALL HAPPENED FOR A REASON. I have been through all this shit to find my path again.
I lost my way. Again. Had my heart broken, Again. But this wasn’t all for nothing I guess, because now I feel like I see my own future again. Me myself and I.
Life teaches you a lesson and you hopefully learn from it and move on.
Well fingers crossed, this time next year I could be running my own fitness studio, or as I pointed out to my parents earlier, this qualification combined with my university degree in creative writing…. I could end up writing for a magazine such as women’s health.
I think everything does happen for a reason?
And you know what? Fuck the lemons, give me that shot of tequila any day.
This is a monologue I stole from the end of the last episode/season of The Affair which resonated with me so much I just had to share it.
“What in God’s name do you think you can do to me that I haven’t done to myself a million times? I have been in pain my entire life. And maybe that’s what makes people think that I’m weak. And maybe that makes people treat me like some sort of receptacle for all their grief and rage and disappointment, but I am fucking sick of it.”
“I just want to live a different life,” she says. “I want to live a different story. I’m still young. I can be someone else. Someone who deserves love. Someone who can be happy.”
Not too long ago, my mum said to me “The only person you can rely on is yourself.” And oh my god was she right… (Just don’t tell her that). It has stuck with me ever since, because people will inevitably let you down. The thing is, is it their wronging or yours? Maybe (for arguments sake) if we didn’t have such high expectations then we wouldn’t get so disappointed, right? I have to admit I do have high expectations but I think maybe the reason for this is that I expect from others what I would do for them. Surely that doesn’t make me a bad/needy/neurotic person? Sometimes it really feels that way though.
Up until fairly recently I pretty much depended on other people to define me. I surrounded myself with anyone and everyone because I was terrified of what would happen to me and my own head if I was alone for too long. But the thing is, the people I surrounded myself with were not very nice people at all, in fact they were really toxic and narcissistic and basically drained the life out of me. I’m not saying I am perfect by any means (pretty sure I’ve said this a thousand times) but I think I at least try to acknowledge my mistakes and attempt to make amends with the people I have hurt or done wrong by. Granted, it has taken me a while to realise my problems but hey we live and learn right?
It took me a long time to accept and move on from all the bad stuff that happened to me and all the shit people put me through. It took me even longer to accept that this was in fact a blessing which had made me stronger and wiser and (I would like to think) a slightly better person.
In a perfect world, yes. But unfortunately the world we live in isn’t perfect and shit happens. ALL THE TIME.
It’s heartbreaking though when you really love or care for someone though and they just let you down. How much disappointment can one take before saying enough is enough? Does it make you a weak person for wanting to forgive people? Or does it actually in fact make you that much stronger and wiser because of all the pain and suffering your heart is willing to take? Forgiveness feels like a heavy burden to bear and it may not always be easy, but you have to let things go, sooner or later, one way or another, otherwise you will just hold onto the heartache for the rest of your life and for what? It’s a form of self harm because the only person you are truly hurting is yourself.
So be kind to yourself, love yourself more than anyone else and let that shit go. #sorrynotsorry
We currently live in a world where communication is everywhere. We have Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Tinder which give us the means of communication with anyone worldwide at the touch of a button. So why is it so fucking hard to communicate with someone face to face? As a society we find it almost impossible to talk about anything personal or anything that can make us feel utterly vulnerable to someone we care about, yet we so freely flaunt our lives and air our dirty laundry (and worse) on Facebook and Tinder, no questions asked.
It took my now ex “boyfriend” 4 days to ask me “Are we okay?” After I had been distant and non responsive and quite cold towards him after an argument that wasn’t really resolved and left a bitter taste in my mouth. As you can see, I have a tendency to hold onto things… Now you could look at it this way: why had I not said anything to him in those four days about how I was feeling and what I was thinking? Or you could ask why did it take him four whole fucking days to ask me a simple question, which maybe if he’d asked a little sooner, we might not be exes?
The simple answer is this (and it’s hardly breaking news); we hide behind our computers screens, bury ourselves in our phones, avoiding any face to face communication and confrontation. We find it so easy to speak our mind when given a keyboard to type on but god forbid our relationships are on the line and BAM! We can’t say shit because we’re terrified. We’ve lost the ability to actually say how we’re feeling to an actual human being, instead posting it up on social media for the whole world to read. Which makes me really sad, even though we are all guilty of it, myself included. I mean look at me now, I am literally hiding behind a blog. I am such a hypocritical cliché it’s making my head hurt.
The thing is, what can we do to try and change? To better ourselves, communicative and otherwise, so that our future selves, lives, relationships don’t suffer the consequences of our cowardly actions? We take small steps to make those small changes. We open up to someone even if we’re terrified, we tell someone we love them, even if they might not say it back. And we stop shaming others for the lives they lead and for the things they do just because the computer screen gives us the courage and cowardice to do so. Yes, it’s painful baring your soul to a loved one let alone a complete stranger… but if you reveal what’s under that mask you wear, the mask that we all seem to hide under; life isn’t so scary after all.
The frequency of my inadequacy
vibrates with hate and indecency
it constantly disguises itself as
a trustworthy friend who ceases
to evade my utter lunacy
yet so brilliantly
fucks my life over entirely
in its entirety
impulsively burning bridges
with such self deprecation
That I stand there in dumbfounded
As I watch the flames
my cheeks with shame
My very own severe degradation
It’s like I can’t even help
It takes it toll
And I fear I can’t hold it in
and though I am stronger
I am still only human.
How it feels to lose your memory after significant trauma and/or triggered depression.
An analogy for amnesia
Imagine you were born out of hate and not love
Like you were a mistake on purpose
You grew up with memories
That you can’t quite illustrate
The lines are blurred
And you’re sure it’s a dream but can’t quite pinpoint when you fell asleep
If only you could wake up
Then you would know if it was real
or a figment of your imagination.
They always come to me
first thing, when I wake
even when I sleep and dream
My heart and soul they take.
They haunt me in daylight
They taunt me in the dark
Constantly clawing at my mind
And tearing it a part.
My Demons they always find me
no matter where I go
I’m restricted by these chains, bound by this pain
And my demons seem to follow.
They tell me I’m not good enough
As I try to right my wrongs
They tell me I should just give up
And that I don’t belong.
I live in a war zone
In the depths of my own head
Where living doesn’t feel like an option
And that I am just better off dead.
Cos no matter where I go
My Demons seem to follow.