I always make the same mistakes…

Not too long ago, my mum said to me “The only person you can rely on is yourself.” And oh my god was she right… (Just don’t tell her that). It has stuck with me ever since, because people will inevitably let you down. The thing is, is it their wronging or yours? Maybe (for arguments sake) if we didn’t have such high expectations then we wouldn’t get so disappointed, right? I have to admit I do have high expectations but I think maybe the reason for this is that I expect from others what I would do for them. Surely that doesn’t make me a bad/needy/neurotic person? Sometimes it really feels that way though.

Up until fairly recently I pretty much depended on other people to define me. I surrounded myself with anyone and everyone because I was terrified of what would happen to me and my own head if I was alone for too long. But the thing is, the people I surrounded myself with were not very nice people at all, in fact they were really toxic and narcissistic and basically drained the life out of me. I’m not saying I am perfect by any means (pretty sure I’ve said this a thousand times) but I think I at least try to acknowledge my mistakes and attempt to make amends with the people I have hurt or done wrong by. Granted, it has taken me a while to realise my problems but hey we live and learn right?

It took me a long time to accept and move on from all the bad stuff that happened to me and all the shit people put me through. It took me even longer to accept that this was in fact a blessing which had made me stronger and wiser and (I would like to think) a slightly better person.

In a perfect world, yes. But unfortunately the world we live in isn’t perfect and shit happens. ALL THE TIME.

It’s heartbreaking though when you really love or care for someone though and they just let you down. How much disappointment can one take before saying enough is enough? Does it make you a weak person for wanting to forgive people? Or does it actually in fact make you that much stronger and wiser because of all the pain and suffering your heart is willing to take? Forgiveness feels like a heavy burden to bear and it may not always be easy, but you have to let things go, sooner or later, one way or another, otherwise you will just hold onto the heartache for the rest of your life and for what? It’s a form of self harm because the only person you are truly hurting is yourself.

So be kind to yourself, love yourself more than anyone else and let that shit go. #sorrynotsorry

Courage and Cowardice

We currently live in a world where communication is everywhere. We have Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Tinder which give us the means of communication with anyone worldwide at the touch of a button. So why is it so fucking hard to communicate with someone face to face? As a society we find it almost impossible to talk about anything personal or anything that can make us feel utterly vulnerable to someone we care about, yet we so freely flaunt our lives and air our dirty laundry (and worse) on Facebook and Tinder, no questions asked.

It took my now ex “boyfriend” 4 days to ask me “Are we okay?” After I had been distant and non responsive and quite cold towards him after an argument that wasn’t really resolved and left a bitter taste in my mouth. As you can see, I have a tendency to hold onto things… Now you could look at it this way: why had I not said anything to him in those four days about how I was feeling and what I was thinking? Or you could ask why did it take him four whole fucking days to ask me a simple question, which maybe if he’d asked a little sooner, we might not be exes?

The simple answer is this (and it’s hardly breaking news); we hide behind our computers screens, bury ourselves in our phones, avoiding any face to face communication and confrontation. We find it so easy to speak our mind when given a keyboard to type on but god forbid our relationships are on the line and BAM! We can’t say shit because we’re terrified. We’ve lost the ability to actually say how we’re feeling to an actual human being, instead posting it up on social media for the whole world to read. Which makes me really sad, even though we are all guilty of it, myself included. I mean look at me now, I am literally hiding behind a blog. I am such a hypocritical cliché it’s making my head hurt.

The thing is, what can we do to try and change? To better ourselves, communicative and otherwise, so that our future selves, lives, relationships don’t suffer the consequences of our cowardly actions? We take small steps to make those small changes. We open up to someone even if we’re terrified, we tell someone we love them, even if they might not say it back. And we stop shaming others for the lives they lead and for the things they do just because the computer screen gives us the courage and cowardice to do so. Yes, it’s painful baring your soul to a loved one let alone a complete stranger… but if you reveal what’s under that mask you wear, the mask that we all seem to hide under; life isn’t so scary after all.

The frequency of my inadequacy

The frequency of my inadequacy

vibrates with hate and indecency

it constantly disguises itself as

a trustworthy friend who ceases

to evade my utter lunacy

yet so brilliantly

fucks my life over entirely

in its entirety

impulsively burning bridges

with such self deprecation

That I stand there in dumbfounded

fascination

As I watch the flames

burning

my cheeks with shame

and humiliation

My very own severe degradation

It’s like I can’t even help

my situation

It takes it toll

And I fear I can’t hold it in

much longer

and though I am stronger

I am still only human.

(Petty Treason for) Amnesia

How it feels to lose your memory after significant trauma and/or triggered depression.

An analogy for amnesia

Imagine you were born out of hate and not love

Like you were a mistake on purpose

You grew up with memories

That you can’t quite illustrate

The lines are blurred

And you’re sure it’s a dream but can’t quite pinpoint when you fell asleep

If only you could wake up

Then you would know if it was real

or a figment of your imagination.

Demons

They always come to me

first thing, when I wake

even when I sleep and dream

My heart and soul they take.

They haunt me in daylight

They taunt me in the dark

Constantly clawing at my mind

And tearing it a part.

My Demons they always find me

no matter where I go

I’m restricted by these chains, bound by this pain

And my demons seem to follow.

They tell me I’m not good enough

As I try to right my wrongs

They tell me I should just give up

And that I don’t belong.

I live in a war zone

In the depths of my own head

Where living doesn’t feel like an option

And that I am just better off dead.

Cos no matter where I go

My Demons seem to follow.

Subterranean Consequential Blues

This is a poem I wrote which was inspired by Bob Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues”.

*

Subterranean Consequential Blues

 

Johnny’s in the basement

smoking on a crack

pipe

all alone in the dark

clingin’ to his dreams

tight

 

Johnny’s in the basement

he hasn’t got a

clue

he can’t even pay the rent

what’s he gonna

do?

 

Johnny’s in the basement

fighting for human

rights

making the world a better place

in his own fucked up

mind

 

Johnny’s in the basement

Burning a silver

spoon

He reckons he’s Neil Armstrong

He thinks he’s on the

moon

 

 

Johnny’s in the basement

he’s talking on the

phone

he’s saying “PLEASE HELP ME”

I can’t do this all

alone

 

Now I’m in the basement

But Johnny’s no longer

here

I don’t think he could take anymore

I think he got The

Fear